Shenanigans
by Dickie Gayson
Summary: Just a peek into the silly things the Batfamily gets into when not kicking ass. Basically Crack treated seriously in terms of writing. Ch.1 - Duke vs the Sun and Dick's Harem of Older Men. Ch.2 - Jason's No Good, Very Bad Day
1. Duke vs the Sun & Dick's Fan Club

**AN:** This is just a bunch of fun little one-shots dedicated to the Batfam getting up to no-good. If you have any suggestion for a Shenanigans chapter, let me know!

* * *

All was quiet in Wayne Manor as the sun sat high in the sky. Such a thing was not odd for the mostly nocturnal family. Today, however, was a special occasion. The previous night's patrol had been somewhat strenuous for the patrolling bats and birds, and as such, they were given a day to unwind and recover from the fatigue. Naturally, after crashing for a few hours, the members started to slowly rise and shuffle about, none-too-happy about being conscious, but alas, they were never known to maintain a healthy sleep schedule. There was always something more important to be done, even on a 'day off'. A day off in the Batfamily was really just another way of saying 'paperwork and investigation day'.

Duke slumped at the absurdly long dinner table with a loud, beleaguered groan, as if the sheer act of being conscious was a great torment of some form. Slowly, deep brown eyes rose and squinted at the window that let sunshine wash across the room. It almost looked as if the force of his glare alone could close the curtains. There was a soul-deep hatred one could only get after being put through hell and having to stave off the sweet embrace of slumber for more work. That, or being so incredibly hung-over and being forced to attend a third-graders school concert. It was almost impressive, really, how much it seemed that the sun itself personally offended him.

Another person walked into the dining room, loudly munching on their choice of breakfast (and wouldn't you know that's the only sound they made?). Duke was still getting used to living in a house full of goddamn ninjas. He purposefully ignored the person as they drew closer, in no mood to converse. Really, all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep off the rough night he had. That, and throw the sun in the fucking trash because _nothing_ had the right to be that bright and cheery when he felt like he went twenty rounds with Troia.

His attempts to ignore the person were rendered useless as yet another person entered the room and he just _knew_ shit was going to go down. No more than two (2) Bats can be in a room together without some sort of catastrophe going on. It's like a scientific law at this point. He let out another melodramatic sigh and let his head drop to the table with a 'thud'. Then, he winced and groaned again as his headache increased just a bit from the unnecessary abuse.

"Aww, what's wrong baby bird? Long night?"

That soul-penetrating glare was leveled to the owner of the teasing, baby voice. An amused smirk is what met his eyes. _Of course_ , it'd be Jason ready to fuck with him. He was pretty sure the oldest Batkids didn't sleep. Ever. And that they had some unnatural ability to bounce back from the worst situations like goddamn bouncy balls. Duke wasn't fully convinced they weren't secret metahumans. Just last week he caught Tim trying hang-glide with one broken arm so he could meet up with Kon at four in the morning for waffles or some equally dumb shit. And then there was the time Dick walked out of an _exploding building_ while he was _on fire_ and just _laughed about it._ Duke was almost positive there was some amount of mental trauma at the very least, given all their head and non-physical injuries.

"What is _wrong_ with all of you?"

There was no true venom behind the words; just the understandable irritation of a kid who got clotheslined by some ugly dude in an even uglier suit at two in the morning. Jason just laughed and Dick chuckled around his spoon of probably overly sugary cereal. Great, he had the two oldest to deal with. He could already _feel_ his desire to leap out the window rising. At least he wasn't going to get beat up by a thirteen-year-old again, that's a plus.

"Before or after the Crowbar Incident? You want a list? I bet I have more problems than Dickhead."

At that, Dick gave a derogative snort and flicked some of his cereal at Jason, who dodged it. The bit managed to hit Duke in the forehead and his glare just narrowed just a bit more at the older vigilantes. Jason pointed and laughed as the piece slowly slid and plopped onto Duke's lap.

"I'm going to go out and spit on your grave."

The oldest hero laughed loudly at Duke's irritation. He had to put his bowl on the table and steady himself at the affronted look plastered on the formerly dead man's face.

"Wow, Duke, tell me how you really feel."

It was still odd, adjusting to joking about some of them having _died_ before. But, as he learned over time, they _loved_ bringing it up in every situation. Mostly Jason, if he were being honest. Duke was still too scared to bring it up to Cass and Damian. Cass was too nice and also fucking scary, and Damian already beat the ever-loving hell out of him once. He did _not_ want a repeat, thanks.

The cloud formerly hiding the sun for just a bit finally passed and Duke was, once more, hit full force with the rays of the sun. His look of intense hatred was once more turned to the offending light. Without turning his angered stare from the window, he spoke up.

"Dick, call your leather daddy."

He didn't need to turn to know the eldest just choked on his food and was trying to hack it up from the wrong tube. Jason, meanwhile, was absolutely _dying._ Duke shifted to glance at the two. The younger of the two ex-Robins had one hand on his knee and was pointing at Dick with his free hand, laughing obnoxiously. Meanwhile, the older was glaring, face red from just having choked on Crocky Crunch.

"Shut _up,_ Jason. And what do you mean 'leather daddy'. I don't _have_ a leather daddy."

Just to irritate him, Jason laughed louder. The laughter seemed to have drawn others in, because Tim slipped in, looking just shy of actually dead. Behind him was Cass, looking graceful as ever. How she did it, he'd never know. Tim looked at the scene with mild suspicion, not that Duke could blame him. There was always a fifty-fifty shot that someone laughing at another member was bad. Cass just looked entertained. Her ability to read a situation so quickly was as unnerving as it was awesome.

"Why does Jason look like he's about to pass out? Did they break out the mullet pictures again?"

Dick turned his glare to Tim.

"Not you too! There were _no_ mullet pictures this time! Jason's laughing because he's dumb."

Jason wiped a pretend tear as he straightened up slightly.

"Wrong, Dickface. I'm laughing because Duke is my new favorite brother."

Duke just looked at him with mild confusion. Tim seemed to mirror his look, though there was a bit more skepticism. Sometimes Duke still marveled at just how much like Bruce the other was. Did they teach 'paranoia' classes here or something? Was it like a required trait when being adopted by the big bad Bat? You had to be at least level 5 in either Paranoia, Nerd, or Athlete to join their cosplay group. Dick was staring at Jason as if just said the Riddler was the new fashion icon.

"That makes no sense Jason, but no surprise here. Also, why is _he_ your favorite? He threatened to spit on your grave!"

Jason just raises an eyebrow in response. Duke wished he could do that.

"Yeah? And he didn't wear a rainbow polka-dot shirt with high-waisted jeans and _dad loafers_. Not to mention _you had The Mullet at the time._ "

Duke couldn't help but let out the disgusted sound at the mental imagery. Tim visibly shuttered and even Cass looked at Dick with something akin to mild horror. Dick just put his head in his hands.

"Why? Why am I stuck with you all? Where's Damian, I need someone in my corner."

The words basically fell on deaf ears as Duke was still marveling over the atrocious mess that was Dick Grayson's fashion choices. How the man got voted the Most Eligible Bachelor and posted up as a part-time model when he was strapped for cash, Duke would never know. You could _tell_ he grew up in a circus from the way he dressed. Not that Duke would ever say that because it felt like a really douche thing to say and he didn't want to get suplexed by the eldest. If he didn't stand a chance against Damian, he would get _demolished_ by Dick. The guy had more fighting experience than most heroes in the business. So, for that, he could forgive his fashion crimes. But that didn't mean he forgot what he's been trying to get Dick to do before everyone derailed the conversation. Duke snapped his fingers for attention.

"Hello? Leather daddy? Call him."

Jason started to chuckle all over again, and Tim let out a startled sort of laugh, caught off-guard by the words. Dick let out an aggravated breathe. Duke could see Cass laughing silently behind her hand as she watched the idiocy unfold.

"For the _last time_ Duke, I do NOT have a leather daddy! And why do you need Midnighter, anyway?'

Everyone went dead quiet for a moment before Jason roared with laughter, almost on the floor at this point. Even Tim was having trouble remaining standing. He needed to lean on Cass to stay upright. He wheezed out between laughs.

"Oh my god, Dick. You just- He never said it was Midnighter."

Dick's face turned an interesting deep crimson, which was still frustratingly handsome. Duke didn't think it was fair, really. When _he_ got embarrassed, he looked something like a frightened chipmunk.

"I...Uh...He's the _only_ one I hang out with that wears leather and you guys tease me about."

Now, Duke was no expert or anything, but he was _pretty sure_ if Jason didn't start breathing soon, he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Being that he was too indisposed to speak, Tim had the honors of filling in for him in the 'irritate Dick Grayson' category.

"Bullshit, we keep a list."

Somewhere between the stunned look on the veteran hero's face and the surprising snort of laughter that came from Cass, Luke entered the fray. He looked around the group warily. Good instincts. While Luke was busy eating his apple and surveying the scene, Dick managed to recompose himself. He narrowed his bright eyes in distrust.

"A _list?"_

After a noisy bite, Luke spoke up, not content with being left out of the loop.

"A list of what?"

From somewhere near the floor, Jason managed to choke out between panting breaths.

"Dick's sugar daddies."

"Ahh, that list. You add Raptor to it yet?"

Duke slammed his hands down on the table, catching their undivided attention. The sun was hitting him _just right_ and it was annoying as all hell. He wondered if he could convince Superman to move the sun. Or the manor. He wasn't picky.

"Focus! I'm the one with the issue here! Call up your scary leather boyfriend and tell him to bring _his_ boyfriend here."

Dick's gaze only grew more suspicious as he eyed up Duke.

"Why do you need Apollo?"

Tim snorted and faux-whispered to Steph, who had shown up with Harper and Barbara in the time that Duke was ranting.

"He didn't even try to deny being Midnighter's other boyfriend."

If one looked closely, they could almost see a vein in Dick's head throbbing like some sort of cartoon.

"Shut. _up."_

Duke, in a show of almost supernatural willpower, managed to ignore them and press on with his own devastating issues. Really, they should be paying full attention to his issue. He was the new kid and this was _serious._

"I need Apollo here...so I can punch him."

His voice had been so calm and serious that it actually garnered incredulous stares. Dick had to take a moment to himself out of surprise. Luke just looked at Duke with something close to disbelief.

"Wha- Why do you want to punch Apollo? You've never met him. Also, he's super-powered, my dude."

Duke gave a flat, dead-serious stare.

"I know, I don't care. I want to punch him."

This time, it was Harper who piped up.

"But _why?_ "

"Well, I can't feasibly go outside and punch the sun, now can I?"

Dick finally seemed to recollect himself, because he took back the reigns of the conversation.

"You...want me to call Midnighter."

"Yes."

"So he can bring Apollo."

"Yep."

"So you can punch Apollo."

"Correct."

"Because you can't punch the sun?"

"You got it."

There was another beat of silence. Then, Dick decided to break it with possibly the most somber voice Duke's ever heard come from the man.

"...Duke, what, and I mean this as nicely as possible, the fuck?"

"Listen, it makes perfect sense. Back me up, Tim. You're the smart one here. I can't fight the sun, but I _can_ fight the guy who is based on the Sun God."

It looked as if Tim was actually debating the merits of the plan when Damian spoke up. The newest addition to the batclan nearly had a goddamn heart attack because he had not seen or heard Damian come in. He eyed up the smaller boy warily.

"Wrong. You can get _decimated_ by the guy who is based on a Sun God. Because that is _exactly_ what will happen if you attempt to fight him, Thomas."

"Hey, all I need is one hit and I'll feel better."

At the disparging scoff that came from Luke, Duke shot him a Look. It wasn't quite to the Bat-level yet, but he was working on it. Hey, he was pretty proud of his Look so far. It scared a few of the baddies. He'll get there one day. At the moment, however, Luke just gave him a smirk back and spoke.

"Man, you'll feel a helluva lot worse, I bet. Not only would you be fighting a superhuman, but the superhuman's angry superhuman boyfriend."

Steph piped in with a look of exaggerated and obviously fake confusion on her face.

"Dick isn't a superhuman, though."

Dick let out a frustrated growl, clearly having fallen for the bait. Steph just smiled in satisfaction.

"He meant Midnighter! I am not dating Apollo!"

" _Right_ , you're just dating M. Who's dating Apollo."

"For fuck's sake. I'm not dating _either_ of them!"

If Dick got any more aggravated, Duke was betting his hair would either start turning white or just fall right out. He was mentally betting on falling out. A Luthor-style Dick would be _hilarious._ Meanwhile, Harper figured now would be a good time to join in on the 'irritate the oldest' bonding moment they were having.

"Yeah, he's clearly dating that one angry dude who worked with him when he was a super spy or some shit."

Babs gave an entertained look to Harper at the words. She seemed to be having the time of her life messing with her ex. The look in her eyes made Duke mentally remind himself not to piss her off anytime soon.

"You mean Tiger?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"NO I'M NOT!"

He had to idly wonder where Bruce and Alfred were. They were being obnoxiously loud for being bats. Dick looked like his head was going to pop, either from aggravation or embarrassment, and the rest were having a blast. ' _Nothing like family bonding over dragging a sibling.'_ Jason finally seemed to come out of his laughter-induced coma.

"Duh, if Dickie were smashing anyone, it'd be Constantine."

The look of sheer incredulity on Dick's face was _priceless._ Duke would admit this one threw him for a loop. He's heard of the tricky magic-user who sold his soul however many times. But, he's never heard of the Brit liking Dick. Not that it'd be a surprise. Duke could probably throw a rock in any direction and hit someone who wanted to bone the original Robin.

"What the hell? _John Constantine?_ Where did that even come from?!"

Jason just gave him a serious, flat look.

"He totally has the hots for you."

Babs gave a sage nod, as if nothing truer had ever been spoken. Even Luke gave a sound of agreement. Dick couldn't help but look at them in surprise.

"No, he does not. Where did you hear that?"

"I heard it from Kyle who heard it from Simon. Apparently, during a meeting of some form where he was with John, John wouldn't stop talking 'bout how much of a beefcake you are."

"Oh my God, just end my life already. For real this time."

Tim snapped his fingers, as if remembering something.

"Oh yeah! I heard about that! It was the talk of the Watchtower for a bit there."

At this point, Dick had his head in his hands once more and looked ready to resign from life in general.

"I hate you. I hate you all."

Duke cleared his throat and waved his arms to garner their attention.

"Guys, we're getting off track. We can talk about Dick's Harem of Older Men _later_. I have a sun to punch."

"I do NOT have a Harem of Older Men! Where do you guys get this information?!"

The joined 'siblings' shared a look. The fact that this might have been discussed before left a look of true horror on the first Boy Wonder's face. Duke apparently hadn't been around long enough to enjoy these sessions. He wasn't sure whether he should be pleased or disappointed about that fact. Cass started ticking off sources, much to Dick's shock.

"Other heroes. Villains. Oracle. Watching you and enemies. Very obvious."

Babs looked from her successor to Dick with a growing look of amusement.

"They're not wrong. We're keeping a tally on who's in the Dick Grayson Older Men Fan Club. Fifty bucks say you get a new member in the next two months."

" _There is no fan club._ "

Tim shook his head, as if saddened that Dick couldn't accept the obvious. Steph was having a ball needling Dick.

"There totally is. Slade's the president, M's the treasurer, Thomas Wayne Jr. is the VP, Constan-'

At that, Duke shot the blonde a look of confusion. He was still going through the list of criminal profiles and hadn't made it to that name yet. It was the fact that he recognized the name Thomas Wayne as Bruce's father that caught his attention.

"Wait, Thomas Wayne _Jr.?_ Who the hell is that?"

Steph, as if realizing that not everyone gathered witnessed whatever fuckery brought the man around, took pity on Duke and explained just a little.

"Oh, Bruce's older brother from an alternate universe or some shit. Evil. Totally has a hard on for Dick, anyway-'

"That's so fucked up, man."

He marveled yet again over the sheer level of absurdity this family went through on a near daily basis. And he willingly submerged himself into it. _Great_.

"GUYS! SHUT UP! THERE IS NO HAREM OR FAN CLUB.-'

"I think we established that there is."

'-SLADE IS _DEFINITELY_ NOT THE PRESIDENT-'

"Oh, please, he liked _invented_ your fan club."

'-AND BRUCE'S BROTHER DOESN'T HAVE THE HOTS FOR ME."

"Yeah, cus just _anyone_ goes to an alternate universe to stalk the alternate version of their old partner and kidnap them to keep them."

"That is NOT what went down."

" _Suuuuure."_

Duke _really_ didn't want to think about ANY of that for more than three seconds, because honestly, _what the in the fresh hell._ How is Dick alive with that many crazy creeps after him? If it were Duke, he probably would have just hung up the tights and called it a day. He does _not_ need whacked out assassins after his ass, _no thanks_. Shaking his head, as if it'd rid him of disturbing images of way-too-tight suits and creepy old men, he spoke up. Duke _still_ hasn't gotten to punch the overly cheerful ball in the sky _or_ its metahuman counterpart. This is unbelievable. Bats got shit done _except when he needed to beat someone up._

"DICK. Bring your boyfriend's boyfriend here! I need to hit him! This shit is too bright. Gotham ain't ever this bright, what the fuck."

"Oh, for the love of- Duke, if you want to hit someone, go punch Jason."

At that moment, Damian shoved his way to the front and center of Dick's view. There was a look of disgust and irritation scrunched up on his otherwise adorable features. Duke subtly (or tried to be subtle) scooted back from the duo. _That_ look meant he was unhappy. And if it was involving his precious oldest brother/father-figure, Duke was _not_ getting in the middle of that. He wasn't suicidal, despite what his late-night activities might suggest.

"Grayson, we need to discuss this harem of older men dedicated to you."

Dick took a deep breath and tried to appear calm for the youngest of the family. He gave the boy a patient look that only came with years of practice.

"Damian, there is no harem, they're being dumb."

Clearly, that wasn't the answer the young hero was looking for. He gave one of his infamous little tongue clicks and rolled his eyes.

"That isn't new knowledge. However, I have seen and heard things that would coincide with their stories. I do not approve."

Just like that, Dick's calm facade shattered. Honestly, he was impressed it held for even half of the sentence.

"I _swear to god_ , there is no harem. There isn't even a _fan club_. None that I've heard of, at any rate."

Damian merely gave a contemplative hum. There was that look in his eyes. You know, the _look_ of a Bat who just became obsessed with a case. It was almost worrying because Duke was positive the kid was going to take this way too seriously.

"I need find this 'fan club' and dismantle it before they attempt anything."

Jason was practically vibrating in his seat in an attempt to hold in his raucous laughter. This was clearly the best day he's had in a while.

"That's right, baby bat! Go get 'em! They're out to steal our precious big bird."

Dick shot him the patented 'Batglare', though years of exposure lessened the effects to the smartass vigilante.

"Do NOT encourage him, Jason."

It was obvious Jason heard him, but he pretended not to and merely kept his attention solely on the youngest Robin. Tim, seeing this as a wondrous and golden opportunity to fuck with Damian, pitched in his two-cents.

"In fact, I think you should _join_ the fan club. Work your way up the ranks, like a sort of double agent, and then bring them all down."

"Hmm...this plan has merit, even if it's coming from _Drake_."

"Thanks, Dami."

Jason scoffed from his position against the table.

"He only wants to join for the t-shirt."

"Tt, _no_. If I wanted any Grayson merchandise, I could simply go to the dollar store and buy something. I need to ensure that these...miscreants have nothing nefarious planned. Grayson often leaves himself open in such stupid ways around them."

"Ex _cuse me?_ I do _not._ And for the last damn time...you know what? Never mind, have fun trying to find this imaginary club. And _you_ ,-'

He pointed directly at Duke, the one who started this whole thing. Duke just gave him a squinted look, still waiting for him to call Midnighter for him.

'have fun trying to fist fight something that would destroy your ass. I'm out."

With that, the eldest stalked out of the room, having hit his quota for irritation and insults for the day. Though, Luke managed to slip one more in before he was out of hearing range.

"Try not to pick up any more older men while you're out!"

 _"FUCK OFF!"_

There was a moment of silence in which they all just kind of reveled in the shared amusement. Then, Duke turned his squint to Tim as the sun still burned his retinas.

"Hey Tim, you think you can call Superboy?"


	2. Jason's No Good, Very Bad Day

**Jason's No Good, Very Bad Day**

* * *

To say Jason was having a bad day was an understatement. He was having the worst day _ever,_ and that's counting the infamous 'totally died once' day. First, he woke up because a fucking _parade_ was going down the street. _Why_ was there even a parade? On top of that, he caught one hell of a bug. His nose was all clogged, his throat hurt, his fucking eyeballs throbbed because of the migraine he had, and he was so nauseous that just the thought of smelling food made him want to throw up. So, he decided to take some medicine because like fuck he was going to suffer through this. Turns out, he was out of cold and flu medicine, which _sucked_ but that was only the third shitty thing in the whole list of shitty things to follow.

Naturally, he called one of his many siblings and bitched at them to get him medicine. Dick laughed at him and imitated his sick voice, which was _way_ off the mark. Dick sounded like some sort of asthmatic goose which Jason totally _didn't_ sound like, thank you very little Dickface. So, Jason hung up on Dick. Tim fell asleep halfway through the call then told him to fuck off after Jason all but wailed through the phone. Then, Tim hung up on Jason. Next, was Steph. Surely _she'd_ take pity on his poor, innocent soul. Turns out, no, she wouldn't. She was still holding a grudge against him after he stole her ice cream from the freezer two weeks ago. They hung up on each other.

At this point, his throat was so sore, he felt like crying just a little (a lot). He didn't even bother to try Damian. That little demon would probably gloat about his superior immune system or some shit. He decided to try Cass next, because at least she had to love him just a little and care enough about her sickly brother. Also, he was still pretty sure Duke was scared of him. The phone only rang once before Cass's soft voice greeted his ear. Even that sounded too loud to his pounding head.

"Jason."

If it weren't for caller id, Jason would be creeped out by the knowing way she answered his call.

"Medicine."

That was all he rasped out because he was feeling way too sore to speak anymore. Also, he knew he didn't need to ramble on to convince her to help. She was awesome like that. He considered her the best sibling. The others were jerks.

"Magic word?"

He whined, which definitely _didn't_ sound super pathetic. Was it just him or did it sound like she just laughed at his pain? _No,_ Cass was the nice one. A highly lethal, former assassin, but _nice._

" _Cass..."_

At the following silence, he all but cried. For the love of God he was _dying here._ Still, she didn't answer. He would have thought she hung up on him, but that wasn't her style. Also, he could still hear her laughing at him. So much for being the nice one. Jason sighed, then winced at the pain that followed.

"...Please?"

It was quiet for another beat before Cass responded.

"Ten minutes."

That was it before she hung up. He dropped his phone and prepared himself for ten whole minutes of suffering. This was just unfair. He's nice. He's funny. He's devilishly handsome. He helped little old ladies across the street. Why was he the one to get sick? Why couldn't Tim get sick? He was so unhealthy! And mean. That little shit was way craftier and evil than the others realized. _He_ should have this cold. Maybe Jason would go over and cough all over his stuff. The thought of moving made him want to vomit just a little, so he decided he'd just stay here. Also, he was pretty sure Tim had a weakened immune system and it'd be pretty shitty of Jason to do that. See? _Nice._

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knows, he's being shaken awake by Cass in full Black Bat regalia. He'd deny any and all claims that he screamed in fear at waking up to see that creepy mask right in his face. Tears pricked his eyes as his throat burned something fierce from the abuse. She handed him a steaming cup. He winced as he sat up and looked at the drink then at Cass in question. Thank whoever taught her how to read body language so well because he really didn't want to ask what the fuck it was.

"Theraflu."

He wanted to groan. Of all the medicines for her to bring. Theraflu was _gross_. At least they came out with better flavors. He carefully took the hot cup and tentatively sipped the drink. Immediately he gagged. It was _original flavor._ Cass must not have tastebuds, he decided. Medicine was _never_ good when it was original flavor and Theraflu was the worst offender. Cass made a motion for him to keep going and he took a breath, ready to chug the disgusting liquid. It was a miracle he didn't vomit all over the place once he finished.

She gave him a pat on his shoulder as a sort of congratulations before taking the cup and setting it on the nightstand. Then, she pointed to his dresser, where a different bottle of medicine sat. He stared at it for a moment before looking at her with betrayal on his face. Her shoulders shook and she let out a breathy laugh. She made him drink that nasty shit when there was medicine _right there._ That means she _knew_ Original Theraflu tasted like sweaty ten-week old gym socks.

 _"Why Cass?"_

His voice still sounded really pathetic and scratchy.

"Ice cream."

He groaned and fell back against his pillow at that. Naturally, this was for something he did to Steph. Those two were damn near inseperable.

"I've never felt so betrayed in my life."

She just gave him another pat and made her exit as he bemoaned the horrible taste still tainting his mouth. That was number whatever of the unending horrors of the day, and it was only noon.

He drifted in and out of sleep for a few hours. Once the Theraflu started to fade and the pain started to return, he decided to crawl his way to his dresser for some better tasting medicine. Actually, he was going to walk, but his foot got tangled in his sheet and he face planted. For a solid minute, he contemplated on the merits of just passing out on the floor and never getting up again. Eventually, he figured two whole feet wasn't _too_ far. While this tasted bad, it wasn't Original Theraflu bad, and he didn't need a whole cup full to feel better.

After he took it, he decided to say 'fuck it' and lay back on the floor. It was cooler than his bed and, quite frankly, he didn't want to walk all two feet back. He fell back asleep with one fever-hot cheek pressed to the cold wood flooring as he waited for the medicine to work its magic. Yet again, he was rudely awoken by a sibling. This time, however, it was Dick waking him up. And it wasn't from a shake. _No,_ this motherfucker had to trip over Jason's sprawled out legs and fall directly on top of his prone form, illiciting cries of surprise from the both. Naturally, he'd be agile and all but impossible to trip in every situation but this.

Jason curled up on his side with a pained sound and squinted angrily at Dick.

"The fuck you want, Dickhead?"

Dick got back to his feet and stared at Jason with slight worry.

"I came to bring you medicine even though you oh so rudely hung up on me. Why are you on the floor?"

Jason just glared for another moment before deeming the action too taxing and closed his eyes again.

"Colder down here. Bed too far."

If he was looking, he'd notice Dick rolling his eyes at Jason's melodramatics.

"You are such a baby."

Instead of verbally responding, he weakly flipped the older man off. Dick sounded like he was laughing at Jason, which was totally rude and uncalled for. Why was everyone laughing at him today? Jason flailed a little at the sudden feeling of arms under his neck and knees as he was lifted, causing Dick to grunt in an effort not to drop him.

"Jesus christ, stop it. You're heavy enough as it is. How many chili dogs have you been eating?"

Jason huffed as he, once again, glared at his older brother who seemed to be carrying him to his bed.

"Shut up, gilipollas."

At the insult, Dick let out an offended noise before dropping Jason onto his bed. Yet again, he'd deny any accusations at the shriek of surprise he let out at the sudden descent. And yet again, Dick was laughing at him. What did he do to deserve such a cruel older brother? Life was unfair. Jason grabbed his blanket and rolled until he was totally cocooned in it. It was blessedly quiet and dark for a moment before Dick pulled the blanket from over his head and stared at him.

"Whatcha doing, Jay?"

Jason wiggled in an effort to punch Dick for interrupting his rest, only to be reminded he just wrapped himself up like an oversized burrito, effectively trapping his arms. Instead, Jason turned again to bury his face in his pillows.

"Hiding."

Dick snorted as he hopped onto the bed. The jarring movements caused Jason's stomach to roll again. He let out a disgruntled sound. Bright blue eyes appeared inches from his and a shit-eating grin was plastered across Dick's face. Jason wondered how Dick would like it if he projectile vomited right in that dumb smiley face of his. That'd teach him to jump on his bed and be annoying.

"Whatcha hiding from?"

This asshole was having way too much fun with Jason's misery.

 _"You."_

He burrowed his way further into his cocoon in an effort to escape his teasing older brother. It appeared his efforts were in vain because Dick just decided to start poking him over and over like the nuisance he was.

"Why are you hiding from me?"

Jason grumbled again before speaking up, though his voice was muffled by the blanket.

"You're mean. And ugly. Ugly and mean."

There was an over the top gasp at the words and Jason could just envision Dick putting an affronted hand to his heart. Then, just because he could, he envisioned himself punching Dick in the face a few times. That cheered him up a little.

"Ouch, Little Wing. Three Hottest Man of the Year awards say otherwise."

The sing-song way Dick said it was way too happy and smug for his tastes. He'd just have to take him down a few pegs then.

"They're liars, you're ugly. And still mean."

He pretended his voice wasn't nasally and gross sounding. Also, did his nose just whistle? _Ugh._

"Well, that's just hurtful."

"Your _face_ is hurtful!"

Alright, not his best comeback, he'd admit it, but he's _sick_. Dick just laughed loudly, causing Jason to wince as his head throbbed.

"Wow, you're hilarious when you get sick. Hold on, I need to record this."

"Go. _Away._ "

"And miss this prime opportunity to stock up on blackmail? Hell no."

"I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You."

"You gotta deal with Dami first."

 _"Asshole."_

The bed shifted as Dick got up and all was quiet again. Jason sighed in contentment. Then, his fortress was disturbed by his brother again. Jason was very tempted to bite his fingers but he didn't know where they've been and he didn't need to get even sicker. He felt a cool hand on his cheek then his forehead. He grumbled as Dick turned him to look into his eyes.

"Oh, shut up Jay. I'm just checking to make sure you're fine."

"I'm not fine. I'm dying. _Again_. This is it, Dickie. This is the end. Tell Steph I'm not sorry about the ice cream. It was delicious and I'm glad she didn't get any."

Dick rolled his eyes at his words. Jason was notoriously dramatic when he got sick. Okay, so maybe he was notoriously dramatic _all the time_ , but he was even worse when he was sick.

"Relax, you've just got the flu."

As if he didn't believe Dick, Jason shook his head adamantly.

"No, no. I'm definitely dying again."

"It'll pass in about a day or two."

Dick looked around and spotted the open medicine on the dresser. Looks like he got here after someone else. He was betting it was Cass. She was the nice one. His attention was drawn back to the younger man as he heaved a grand sigh.

"This is the death of Jason Todd, the Remix. I'm biting the big one again. Going to that ol' Batcave in the sky. Pushing daises. Going to sleep with the fishes. Getting a six foot bed, which is ridiculous cus I'm six-one."

It seemed they were studiously ignoring one another at this point as they both continued on.

"With that medicine you took, you should feel pretty fine in about ten minutes or so."

"I want to leave all my belongings to Cass. No, wait, she made me drink _original Theraflu._ She gets nothing. Give it all to Alfie. He'll appreciate my rifle collection."

The older vigilante couldn't help but snort at Jason. Though, he could sympathize with the Theraflu original kind was easily the worst.

"Seriously, it's not that bad. Dami just got over the flu."

"Let Bruce bury me, so he can let me down _one...last...time."_

At that, Dick couldn't help but let out a loud laugh. He made his way to the window, ready to leave Jason wallow.

"Alright, yep I'm just gonna let you stew in your theatrics. See ya, Jay."

"Fare-thee-well, Dicklick. Parting would be such sweet sorrow, but you're an asshole. Tis time for me to depart from this mortal coil and return to the dust from which all came."

"God, you are such a nerd."

Jason peeked out of his shelter as Dick left through his bedroom window. And the asshole left it open, _of course._ How inconsiderate. He got a few more blessed hours of peace before yet _another_ sibling crawled through his window. Jason whined as he was woken up.

 _"Why can't you people let me die in peace?"_

"So Dick wasn't exaggerating, you really are a big baby when you're sick."

Tim stared down at him, totally unimpressed, dressed in his Red Robin gear, and sipping a latte like the rich boy he was. If Jason hadn't trapped his own arms, he would slap that drink right out of Tim's hands. Bloodshot teal eyes glared with all the hatred he could muster.

"Don't you have a kryptonian to be fucking?"

The younger boy only rolled his eyes before sipping obnoxiously on his drink.

"Haven't heard _that_ one before. B said to get your lazy ass up. Arkham breakout."

Jason huffed and definitely _didn't_ pout. He frowned intensely, that's it.

"Tell B he can go fall off a cliff. I'm not moving."

Tim, once more, gave Jason that condescending, unimpressed look. Once Jason rolled himself out of this blanket burrito, he was going to kick that latte-drinking loser's nonexistant ass.

"Oh _please_ , you got the light work. You're on Riddler duty."

At that, Jason gave an offended gasp. _Riddler duty?_ That's...that's almost as bad as Humpty Dumpty duty. Sure, Riddler set up a whole matter of deadly riddle-based traps and tests and had goons to fight, but beyond that he was a snap to beat up. So long as he hasn't rigged like...a children's hospital to blow or something, he should be fairly easy to wrangle in.

"I can't _believe_ I got Riddler duty. This is _unfair._ "

"That's rich coming from the nerd who actually likes doing homework and reading Earnest Hemmingway."

He cursed himself once more for restraining his arms, because he would simultaneously punch Tim and cover his mouth in horror. First, everyone laughs at him. Now, everyone is calling him a nerd. _Tim_ called him a nerd. This must be a fever dream.

"Earnest Hemmingway is a literary treasure, you uncultured swine."

"Whatever. Just get ready or I'm telling Kate who prank called her last month."

Low blow. Jason only vaguely remembered doing that. To say he had been a few drinks deep would be a lie. He had gotten fucking plastered. How everyone thought Damian was the mean one, Jason would never know. Tim was fucking _ruthless._ Jason would have to remember to recruit him for the annual snowball fight in the Watchtower. And by annual snowball fight, he totally means when he and Dick manage to confiscate Freeze's gun again and aim to embarrass Bruce in front of the other heroes.

"You promised not to! I was drunk, you dick."

"And? I need to go deal with Pyg. _PYG_ I swear to god, if I have to hear him squealing and singing opera _one more time_ I'm going to throw him into a trash compactor."

Okay, that would be fucking _hilarious._ Jason would totally pay to see Tim do that to the annoying villain. He'd have to thank Bruce for sending Tim after Pyg and not himself, because Jason would probably actually kill him. Then, he decided Bruce was still the supreme cockbite of the hero community and would, instead, thank Babs. He would _not_ be able to handle any of Pyg while he's sick without it ending in murder.

" _Fiiiine_. I'm getting ready Tiny Tim. Have fun with the Professor."

He heard a faint 'eat a dick' as Tim leapt out of the window. Jason just stared at the ceiling for a few moments before slowly unraveling himself. He seriously hated everyone and everything today. With a long, drawn out groan, he made his way to his dresser to take more medicine. Then, he shambled like the undead corpse he really was to the secret compartment in his wall to retrieve his gear.

Getting all his gear on was more of a hassle when everything ached than he would originally expect it to be. Still, he got it done. As he stuck his domino on with spirit gum, he heard yet _another_ person crawl through his window. He let out an aggravated groan as he turned to glare at the intruder.

"Why can't any of you assholes...use...the door...What the fuck."

Staring at him in shock and fear was none other than the Riddler himself with a sack over his shoulder. It was a decidely awkward staredown neither would forget any time soon. Leave it to the fucking Riddler to accidently climb through Red Hood's bedroom window. In the blink of an eye, they both moved. Jason had his gun trained on the green-clad criminal, right between the eyes. Riddler had a gun of his own pointed at Hood. It was a draw, literally. The vigilante narrowed his eyes in irritation. Really, how much shittier can his day get? Now he'd have to find another place to live because of this puce-colored dickhead.

"I am going to kick your ass so hard your new color scheme is going to be black and blue. _Then_ Nightwing's going to kick your ass for taking his color scheme."

Riddler gulped at the threat but didn't lower his gun. It appeared as if he were shaking. Jason would like to think it was from fear, but he was pretty sure it was from repressing his laughter at Jason's voice. His glare intensified, not that Nygma could see it behind the white-out lenses.

" _Then_ I'm going to kick your ass _again._ And _then_ I'm going to take your stupid, lanky, noodle body, shove it into a suitcase, shove _that_ suitcase into a car trunk. _THEN_ I'm going to send that car off a cliff."

That got the Riddler to shudder slightly as Red Hood wasn't known for making idle threats, no matter how absurd the threat was. Or how hilariously similar to an asthmatic goose his voice sounded. Still, the Riddler was notorious for having the last word. His pride simply couldn't stand for this. Also, he couldn't keep the laughter bubbling in his throat down any longer. Really, Red Hood sounded _hilarious._ If he sounded like this all the time, nobody would take him seriously. Jason just mentally groaned. Even the Riddler was laughing at him today. _'Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I'll never recover from this. Ever. Please, death, just take me already.'_

"How frightening indeed. I wonder, would you-"

He was cut off from his soon-to-be diatribe by Red Hood's low, almost wheezing voice.

"In a trunk. Off a cliff."

The vigilante certainly was adamant about that bit, it seemed. He also appeared to be pretty sick, which _should_ make this easier. Then again, Riddler also _should_ be able to take on a nine year old in a fight and win, and yet that was proven wrong time and time again, sadly.

"Yes, well, riddle me thi-'

" _IN A TRUNK. OFF A CLIFF._ "

Riddler jumped at the sudden enraged yell as the hulking hero took a threatening step toward him. It was then and there that Riddler re-evaluated his plan.

"There's a bomb in here, bye!"

The villain tossed the bag he was once carrying at the sick man and made his timely escape out the window. Jason caught the bag with flailing hands in an effort to keep the bomb stable. Carefully, he opened the sack and peered at the contents. Well, it _is_ a bomb. A fucking _bath bomb._ Jason threw the bag in irritation before he ran after the frightened villain. He made it down the fire escape in record time. Then, the vigilante caught site of Riddler shoving someone off their bike and riding away.

"I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR LEPRECHAUN LOOKING ASS, NYGMA!'

There was a high shriek as the man looked behind him to see a rather pissed off Red Hood running after him with impressive speed. He peddled all the harder to get away from the unholy ass kicking waiting for him. He was panting sooner than he'd like to admit.

"Why did I join chess club in high school? I should have went for _track._ "

Though he whined to himself, it seemed Red Hood's gear allowed him to hear what he was saying as just shortly after he heard the man yelling at him in response.

" _NERD!_ "

"HEY! CHESS CLUB IS A RESPECTABLE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY!"

Even though Riddler was moderately fearing for his life at the moment, he was also feeling rather indignant about that comment. That uncouth meathead wouldn't know respectability if it bit him in his toned ass. Not that, uh, not that Riddler noticed that his ass was toned or anything. That's just _absurd_. There was no response to his comment, making the villain turn to look behind him. No one. It seemed he lost his tail. He let out a sigh of relief as he slowed his furious pedaling. Finally, he could catch his breath. Naturally, his luck ran out as just a few moments later, that familiar screaming picked up again.

"BOOK CLUB'S COOLER!"

He turned and did a double take. Red Hood apparently hijacked someone's moped and was now speeding after him. Riddler let out an undignified screech as he resumed his previous pace. Of course, he couldn't let the book club comment go without a retort.

"BOOK CLUB IS FOR THOSE TOO MORONIC TO FORM THEIR OWN OPINION ON MEDIOCRE LITERATURE."

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU STRING BEAN LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER."

 _That_ is something Riddler would never do unless Red Hood was safely tied up in at least twenty chains, put in an unbreakable cage, and completely paralyzed. The crook was arrogant, not _insane_. Well, _some_ would disagree, but whatever. They don't know what they're talking about.

 _"FUCK."_

At that, he chanced a glance behind him and noticed Red Hood slowing down. It seemed the moped was out of gas. What luck! He let out a victorious cackle as he peddled his way to victory. It was, however, a short lived victory.

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHWARD."

Riddler was ready to cry. _Of course,_ he got stuck with the violently murderous and notoriously stubborn Bat. Wait, that described at least half of the Bats. Okay, the Bat that _actually_ murdered people. That _should_ narrow the list down a bit. When he turned around, however, he almost fell off of the stolen bike laughing. The big bad Red Hood was chasing after him _on a segway._ He was leaning dangerously forward in an effort to go faster. This had to be the slowest high speed chase in history. Riddler had to stare straight ahead to keep from losing it. He looked so ridiculously determined and pissed off on that segway. It was such a hilarious contrast, one could mistake it for a Monty Python skit.

"OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE _KIDDING_ ME."

It appeared the segway had died on the hero as well, causing Riddler to laugh even harder and almost fall off yet again. If he kept this up, he'd get caught just from the ridiculousness of this all.

Meanwhile, the civilians, who should be panicking at the site of the two, were, instead, laughing quite loudly. It was very upsetting, actually. Everyone really was laughing at Jason today. This wasn't fair. He threw the piece of shit segway down. Who even rode those anymore? He would have just grappled his way to the rooftop and cut Riddler off down the road but it turns out he forgot his grapple gun at home. _And_ the spare. Figures. Someone upstairs sure hated him today.

He looked around frantically to find something to ride to catch up to the escaping villain. Jason couldn't run the whole way, not feeling the way he did today. Sure, the medicine helped, but he still felt like utter shit and if kept trying to keep pace with the bicycle, he'd hack up a lung from coughing. No vehicles lined the street because they had been moved due to the parade earlier. Great. Nobody kept their bikes outside anymore because they'd get stolen. Hell, he didn't even see a scooter. Then, his eyes landed on something and he let out a long, pained groan. Why? Why him? Why couldn't the sweet embrace of death just choke him out already? Resigned to his fate of being the laughing stock forever, he made his way to the only option left. He had a Lucky Charms imposter to catch and beat the shit out of.

The sound of citizens laughing drew the attention of Dick and Damian, who had been nearby and were worried it was Joker toxin. Turns out, no, it wasn't that. It was Jason being ridiculous. Dick almost fell off the roof laughing as he watched his brother chase the Riddler on every ridiculous vehicle he could get his hands on. He looked over to see Damian recording the event with a growing almost evil grin on his lips. Oh, this was so getting sent to _everyone._ What really made Dick lose it, however, was when Jason peddled after the villain on a kid's tricycle. Tassles and all. Dick had to sit down as he laughed. Even Dami's rockhard resolve was crumbling as he giggled lightly to himself. Jason would definitely _never_ live this down.

Jason got the sensation that one of his siblings was making fun of him right now. He prayed none of them were seeing this, as he would _never_ get to live it down. Still, he had to catch this asshole one way or another. There was no way in hell Jason was letting him walk, _especially_ after he walked into Jason's apartment AND made him ride a motherfucking segway _while he was sick_. His bad boy image would never recover. His life was effectively over. Again.

The kid's tricycle he was on (and he felt slightly bad for the kid he took it from) shook dangerously beneath him as he picked up speed going downhill. He was closing in on the Riddler and he grinned menacingly. Okay, so he probably looked just a tad unhinged right now, but can anyone really blame him? Then, he heard a heartstopping popping sound and the tricycle literally fell apart underneath him, sending him tumbling across the asphalt. He lay amidst the scraped pink wreckage and just stared at the dark sky in defeat.

He only looked at his escaping target when Riddler started to laugh loudly only to get cut off by a 'BANG'. It seemed he was laughing so hard, he ran into a sign and knocked himself out. Fantastic. Even worse, Nightwing and Robin swooped in to handcuff the unconscious villain and give him a thumbs up, followed by Dick talking to him loudly.

"Don't worry Hood, we got him!"

Jason just sighed and stared at the sky again, refusing to move. Moments later, the figures of his two brothers stood over him. They were staring judgementally, making fun of him, he just _knew_ it.

"Get up, Hood."

Damian was polite as ever. Still, Jason didn't move. Instead, he looked at the younger hero.

"Do me a favor, get the Batmobile."

If Jason had to take a guess, he'd say Dami just rolled his eyes at him, though it felt as if both brothers were now looking him over critically.

"Your fall, while disgraceful, did not seem too catastrophic. Are you injured?"

"No."

Robin let out an impatient noise as he looked at the growing crowd then back to his 'brother'.

"Then why do you need the Batmobile?"

Jason looked at him with a deathly serious expression.

"I want you to run me over with it."

Damian and Dick were both silent for a moment as they stared at Jason. Then, Damian gave the smallest of smirks as he responsed.

"...Gladly."

Dick whipped his head toward Damian at the affirmation.

"Robin, no! Red Hood, get up. Riddler and the other Rogues are dealt with. You can head home."

Instead of rising, as Dick instructed, Jason gave a mournful sort of shake of the head.

"Can't."

At this point, Dick was ready to just drag his dramatic ass home and toss him in his bed. They really needed to split before the police got here, but Hood didn't seem to want to move any time soon.

"And why is that?"

"Riddler knows where my apartment is."

That caught the eldest hero by surprise.

"Wait, how?"

"He climbed into my bedroom window because _SOMEBODY_ left it open, Dickhead."

Despite the accusatory glare being sent his way, Dick laughed.

"Seriously? That's fucking hilarious."

"Shut up. He threw a bath bomb at me."

The mental image alone had him laughing _again_. What a jerk.

"Hey, at least it wasn't a real bomb, right?"

Any rebuttal was cut off as an explosion coming from the direction of Jason's apartment shook the ground. All three vigilantes looked toward the steadily rising smoke.

"Holy shit, it was a real bomb."

Jason just closed his eyes and gave up. The sky flashed with lightning and thundercrashed. Within the next moment, rain poured down on the forlorn hero.

"Fuck my second life."


End file.
